she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just threw up on my dentist
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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