If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
