I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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