I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
