i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
