i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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