I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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