Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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