literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Houston, we have a squirter
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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