once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
