I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.