Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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