Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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