You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We're too hungover to prance.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
