He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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