Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
