Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
