I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Oh god it's open bar.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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