my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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