You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
