hotel room ftw
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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