If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
