ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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