I think im going to throw up on grandma
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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