i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
