i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
