He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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