you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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