i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The uberlube is also flammable
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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