Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
