we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
