Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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