U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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