i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
