She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear