Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
two words...techno handjob
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
What a dumb baby whore.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?