I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.