Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
