Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
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Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
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I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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