I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize