Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wish life had little blips of pornography
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.