just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
