Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
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Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
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This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.