Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
