She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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