Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
