Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
