Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
