From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
