And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
