Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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