my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
