theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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