And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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