So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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