he wants to bone in the snuggie
I checked into jail on foursquare
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
