I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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