Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
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I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
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I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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